The Definitive Detroit Weatherman Power Rankings

Being the weather guy has to be one of the worst jobs on the planet. When weather is steady and mellow it's probably fine because nobody really gives a shit about what you have to say anyway. But once Winter rolls around and Snowpocalypses become a monthly thing, that job becomes absolutely awful. You can't win. If a big snowstorm rolls in and you don't see it coming and report it, then everyone hates you. If you do get it right, congratulations, now everyone is going to have a shitty commute. At this point I feel like this is one of those jobs that should have been phased out by technology a while ago. If you still rely on the news for weather information, you're either ancient or live in a house that homeschools their kids. Just check your phone like a normal human being. Regardless, there's a clear dichotomy of who does it better:

#5 Rich Luterman (?)

I actually had to look this one up because I legitimately had no idea who the Channel 2 weatherman was. I feel like that's fitting though, because I don't know anybody who actually watches Fox 2 News. Always seemed like the station for poor people somehow. I definitely couldn't have told you that this guy was the guy. He looks like the stock photo that would come up if you searched "forgettable middle-aged white guy". Just zero notable traits to speak of. Here's a video of him saying "shit" on live TV, because he's clearly the bad boy of 11:00 meteorology:

Rich Luterman.

#4 Jim Madaus

 

The People's Weatherman. The One Man Thrillride. Jim Madaus doesn't need a fancy news team or a big studio. Jim does what he needs to do, and he does it quickly. Dude takes five minutes, tops, and then lets you get back to Two and a Half Men or Big Bang Theory or whatever other garbage CBS has on. Totally unnecessary but completely irreplaceable. I'm just waiting for the day when decides that the commute isn't worth it and starts doing to weather from his garage. On second thought, I'm not entirely convinced that he isn't already doing that. Probably isn't even wearing pants 90% of the time. Just throws on the buttondown and tie and does what he was made to do. Jim Madaus. 

#3 Paul Gross

 

Out of nowhere! I wasn't planning on using any of the JV, C-squad guys, but this guy is just fantastic. Easily one of the top ten creepiest humans that ever lived. That's the face of somebody with an incriminating crawlspace. And that's the picture he has on his profile on the station's website. Not that that would make any difference. He looks like a serial killer in

 

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You can't make this shit up.  Best-worst part of the weekend is seeing him slither around on my TV. 100000% chance his coworkers have a mean nickname they call him behind his back. 

#2 Dave Rexroth

If I made this list a year ago, Ol' Dave would probably be a soft 4. Kind of boring, doesn't bring a lot to the table. I always thought he was just super vanilla. Then last summer he completely proved me wrong and Jason Pierre-Pauled himself in the eye. 

Losing an eye was a total game changer. What's edgier than, "I screwed around with fireworks and accidentally exploded my eye"? HUGE misstep getting the glass eye instead of rocking a patch. Nobody would step to the Channel 7 News Team (I assume they all fight each other like in Anchorman) with big Rexroth coming in hot with cyclops vibes. Still, good on him for coming back, love the hustle. 

#1 Chuck Gaidica

 

The irrefutable king of Detroit weather. This list would have been a lot harder if he hadn't recently decided to become the Brett Favre of the Detroit weather game and come back from retirement (where he was a minister at a mega church or something?) with little explanation. He probably just rolled into the studio one day and got in place on the set without saying a word. Because let's be honest, this is the real Chuck:

 

And that's not the face of a man who asks permission. Legend.

 

Red Wings Mid-Season Review.

The Wings are SO good at losing gracefully. Third in the Atlantic purely because we have 8 OT losses. 25 - 16 - 8 is bullshit. This is sort of just our thing now I guess. We win every few games and catch OTLs for the rest. I was ASTOUNDED that we beat the Isles the other day. 4-2, in regular time no less. That's the thing though. We're 19 for 23 in games where we scored 3 or more this season. When our offense shows up, we win the majority of the time.

Of course, that also means that only 6 of our 25 wins have been under 3 goals. We need to step the fuck up defensively. Our goalie situation is a mess. I used to think we were too hard on Howard because we all had the bar set so high after Osgood, but now I honestly can't tell you that he's better or worse than Mrazek. I lean more towards Mrazek, mostly from that insane performance when Ovechkin was on the cusp of breaking Fedorov's record in November:

This team is so frustrating, because the talent is clearly there, we just tap into it randomly. Dylan Larkin is the best rookie in the game right now, no question. Nyquist, Tatar, and Abdelkader are all good for at least a goal or two a game between the three of them. Zetterberg and Datsyuk aren't the scoring machines they used to be, but they're still great for the assist. To be fair, neither of them are exactly young - Datsyuk was drafted six months before Ocarina of Time came out on N64. Zetterberg came along right after that. The fact that they still produce at this point is fantastic in itself. 

All in all, it goes back to the OT bullshjt. We've had 16 games go to OT or SO. With 8 OTLs, we're .500 on the encore because we can't close for shit.

This is a great team that just needs to find it's rhythm. After the All-Star break we have the Lightning in Tampa Bay. We haven't lost to them since that chokefest in the playoffs. Let's kick their shit in and retake that #2 slot. 

The "Pro Bowl"

The All-Star Game of the biggest sport in America is a joke. There isn't a lot to be done to fix that though. You can't change the timing. If nobody wants to play at the end of the season, then there's definitely no chance that players will risk an injury in a meaningless game if it's moved to the middle of the season.

There are two things that can at least add incentive to play. First, get rid of the "school yard pick" platform and make it AFC vs NFC again. Next, take a page from the MLB playbook and make the game decide the homefield advantage of the Super Bowl. Of course, that would do away with the whole random home field thing, but that would also put more asses in seats. As evidenced by this past weekend's AFC Championship, homefield advantage can play a huge role. The Pro Bowl becomes infinitely more important when it has an effect on the Super Bowl.

That's just off the dome at almost 5am, coming from a Lions fan that won't get within pissing distance of the Super Bowl for at least another ten years. Get your shit together, Goodell.